My first six years of youth ministry were spent as a jr. high small group leader. I heard a ton about youth ministry in those days. I learned about the power of group identity, the importance of herd movements and how expectations drive spiritual growth. The most important skill I learned in those days was relationship building. First with students and then with parents. I know most youth workers think they know how to build a relationship with a student. I thought I did, but the truth is, I had no idea. I knew how to make a student like me but I didn’t know how to create a transformational relationship. If you want to see students’ lives changed then you need to know how to craft a relationship in such a way that the focus of the relationship is Christ. It’s hard to do; you must walk the fine line between mentor and friend and you have to be willing to bet the friendship every time you say hard things. These are some of the things I have learned along the way.

1. Say hard things on day one
Don’t buy into that idea that you have to be friends first and then you can say tough stuff. Students are looking for authenticity and they can figure out in about ten minutes if you are real of not so go for it and say stuff they don’t expect or ask questions that no good Christian would ever ask. This communicates that you want a different kind of relationship.

2. Ask Questions – never talk about yourself
To be a master question asker is really hard. I still work at this day and night. Students like talking about themselves, so let them. Guide them and then ask deep meaningful questions. These questions will lead to deep and powerful conversations. This is where real relationship starts.

3.  Spend more time than you have
Relationships with students always take more time than you want to spend, but are always worth it. It’s been twenty years since I started in jr. high ministry but even today I was Facebooking with a former student. If you really want to go deep and have a life long impact then it’s going to take lots of time.

This is my final post about what I am going to focus on in 2011. I want to encourage at a deeper level this year. Encouragement is the most powerful tool I have to grow people. When I tell someone specifically how I see God working in their lives, incredible things happen. Encouraged people work harder, dream bigger and serve longer. If you want to make encouragement part of your focus for the coming year, remember the following:

1. Encouragement needs to be specific.
“Way to go,” and “Good job,” are nice things to say, but if your encouragement to be powerful, be specific. Specify exactly what that person did well. Let them know how their actions helped others, and how their work grows the kingdom. This type of encouragement is memorable and will fuel growth.

2. Never repeat.
Each word of encouragement needs to be for that moment. Don’t repeat yourself over and over. If you repeat it twice, it is not special. Don’t use encouragement as an after thought, but as a true feeling from your heart.

3. Name.
Use the person’s name as you speak. This helps them realize how much thought you put into your words. This helps them know that the words are meant specifically for them, rather than something you say to everyone. Using the person’s name will cause their face to light up.

This coming year I want to focus on coaching. As I get older, much of my time is spent on thinking about helping young leaders grow into great leaders. I think a lot about training and how to use training for equipping leaders. Training is tricky, if not done right its worthless, but coaching on the other hand, seems to always work. This is why I am spending lots of time on coaching young leaders instead of training them. The difference is that a coach gets into every aspect of the young leader’s life and customizes the coaching just for them. Training is more of a one-size-fits-all idea, and that doesn’t seem to be very effective. I am going to work on coaching relationships and events that will help young leaders be effective. If you are working with volunteers or student leaders you might want to consider a coaching approach. A great coaching event for youth workers is Refuel in the Rockies, check it out at the LeaderTreks website. http://leadertreks.org/refuel-in-the-rockies.html

The pastor at my church is an excellent preacher. I was listening to him on Sunday and I was thinking, how does he continue to grow? He has been a Bible teacher, a teaching pastor and a professional speaker, so how can he grow in his skills and why should he? He should (and does) want to grow because no one has arrived and no one knows where God will take us, so we focus on being our best. Then I realized its going to take people like me to challenge him, if I don’t, he will stay at the same level. This coming year I want to work on helping people grow by challenging those around me to raise their game. I want to be the kind of person who helps others by not leaving them the same. What would our churches, schools and ministries look like if we were to challenge each other in positive ways?